Fran's Reflections

And The Results

2006-11-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that I still have a brain in perfect condition! My inner self told me not to worry, yet it's always nice to see a report that for once is in my favor.

The numbness of my lower chin is slowly lessening, so whatever this was, I'm sure it's on it's way out the door.

The bad news is that my cancer marker went from 217 up to 430. The doctor didn't seem too concerned. I've only been on the Aromison for about 2 months. He said sometimes the numbers to up before they go down. BUT, I'm going back in 6 weeks and if the number is still going up, he'll switch me to that once-a-month shot. (One of our readers receives this and she said it's not too bad). All of these drugs are aimed toward the bone cancer. If the shot doesn't work, I'll just take one day at a time.

The main problem, besides takings lots and lots of naps, is the constant low pain within the bones. I have come to have a relationship with an ice pack which helps somewhat. The hospice nurse has also increased my pain meds, but so far I don't see that much difference. I can live with this...no problemo.

The other little problem is the ganglion cyst I have on my right wrist. I wear a support for it, but boy does it hurt. That's why I'm not on the computer a lot of the time...spending it reading instead.

love and blessings to all!

Fran

Medical Update November 16, 2006

2006-11-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't written lately. Three weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with pain on the left side of my face, under my eye, my temple, headache, going down to my chin. By the time the episode was done, I had numbness of my lower chin and lower left teeth.

The next day the hospice nurse came over and checked my vitals which seemed to be fine. She called the oncologist who immediately suggested a brain scan. Not being up to that, I decided to go to the dentist to see if it might be something to do with the sinuses or possibly a bad tooth. My dentist checked and told me that I should see a dental surgeon, which we did.

The dental surgeon took a panorama exray of my face and after he looked at it he said there wasn't enough information to say what might have caused it. We ended up going back to the oncologist and speaking with his nurse...again a brain mri was suggested.

Last Tuesday I had a physical with my primary care doctor and we explained what had happened up to that point. After checking my face, she told me my left pupil was smaller than my right and insisted on a brain scan. She said it could be the cancer, it could be a mini-stroke from the diabetes...we've even thought about facial neuralgia or bells' palsy.

Bottom line, I had the brain mri yesterday afternoon and will see the oncologist next Tuesday for the results. My lower chin is still numb, but my teeth are almost back to normal. I had so much numbness that I ended up "eating" my lower lip to the point that it's been very sore.

I swear my body parts have a daily meeting before I get up to decide which one will give me a hard time that day! I'm still very tired, sleep a lot, but so far my blood sugars are good, my kidney condition is under control. The kidney doctor told me that it's difficult to keep a person with cancer in balance.....and he was happy with how I'm doing. His goal is to keep me off dialysis. I told him, "don't worry, I'm NEVER going to do dialysis!"

Will let you all know the results of this latest medical epispode....I thank all of you who have been sending e-mails which contain love and prayers. They are truly appreciated.

Medical Update October 17, 2006

2006-10-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks with no adverse reaction to the Aromosin. We saw Dr. Nabon today and he told me to continue the medication until we take tests...if the tests show the numbers as stable, or going down, we will continue. If not, more tests.

The last time we were there he commented on the fact that some people live with bone cancer for years (he didn't say how many years), without medication. It seems the cancer lays dormant in the bones, leaving the major organs alone. When he made that off-handed comment, both Jerry and I had our ears raised a few levels! We talked about it later and I said, "If that's it, I could live this way for a long time! And be ok with the idea of intervals of pain, helped by drug meds...and laxatives."

We asked him about that again today and he did say that it's possible. We're really taking one day at a time...and right now, other than my kidney situation which makes me very tired, I'm holding my own and giving thanks for all the good in my life.

The past few days have been filled with comments from people about my writing...understanding that the Universe sends us signs that should be obvious to us, I'm seriously considering focusing on it more than I do and see where it takes me. I do know that when I'm "in the mood" the words flow easily and fluidly from the heart. Maybe within the words there are messages for others that can help them...and then I'll know this is one of the reasons I'm still here!

Thanks to all for continues prayers and love....my love and prayers are returned to you with the intensity of thousands of angels whose wings gently touch your souls! This also means that messages will be less frequent. As things quiet down, I will no bore you with my life...I know all of you are busy living your own!

Blessings
Fran

Medical Update October 3, 2006

2006-10-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Here's the story. A couple of weeks ago I was taken off all cancer meds because I had a very negative reaction to it(or it might have been the extra pain meds or the medication for nausea). Not sure which, so everything stopped.

Today we saw the oncologist and we decided to give the last meds another chance. Amorosin (I think). I'm supposed to try it for two weeks UNLESS I start tossing cookies again, and then I'll stop immediately. The only meds available after this will be a monthly shot which we'll try if the pills don't work. I have to take the meds for at least two months to know if it has any positive effects.

We were interested to learn that some people live with "chronic" bone cancer for years, taking no medications, etc. Because of my kidney problems, these are the only two meds I have left to try. Other than some pain in my knees and hips (where the cancer has spread), I am hanging in. I did request to be put back on hospice only because I like the comfort of being able to call someone on the weekend when no doctors are available.

We'll go back in two weeks, either to continue the new meds or do the monthly shot. He's giving us a paper with all the side effects that we might experience, but it appears that I'll just do the best I can do.

This month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. To be honest, I've been AWARE of breast cancer for too many years to count. Personally, I'd like a break from reading about it, have every talk show focus on it, etc. I know it's important, but I'd like to just "be" and allow myself to live a life as normally as possible under the circumstances. I know every single woman who is fighting this disease is a heroine and her family/friends are heros...it's a given...it would just be nice if this disease could be beamed up to nothingness and leave all the women alone to live joyous lives!

Tossing the Pain Along with the Cookies

2006-09-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Ah, I'm back to 1992 when I was blessed with the side effects of chemotherapy. I've increased my dosage of Oxycontin up to 4 pills a day....add to that the new chemo drug Amorosin, and between the two my body can't make up it's mind when to get sick. At night, in the morning, eating almost no food, it doesn't matter...the cookies are tossed.

I had another option, a monthly shot of another medication, which a friend of mind is also on. At first I thought, "not another shot," but now I'm reconsidering. She tells me it's not that bad.

As I type this,I'm waiting for another episode...I'm tired because of all the physicality involved...yet, thank God for big blessings, I HAVE NO PAIN! Maybe my body can handle only one crisis at a time.

I can't thank all of your for your continued support. Maybe, when the time finally comes for me to depart, these blog notes could be my last book.

It's funny, if I had to rate this day, so far (it's 10:30 am) I'd give it a 4, but on the other hand, I AM breathing, I AM typing (cursing as I do because my fingers are used to a 1965 keyboard,not a new laptop keyboard which is far away from my fingers), I am going to spend the day doing things my way (after cookie tossing).

Please God, allow me to keep a sense of humor at the time when no humor appears to be around. And may I be able to eat OREO cookies!

I'll be sending out the blog to the newsletter list. Anytime you'd like your name removed...please just let me know. On the other hand, if there's anyone you believe would benefit from it, please pass it on.

Medical Update September 12, 2006

2006-09-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

Good news, bad news.

Bad news....the cancer is continuing to spread through the bones, especially in the right hip area. This explains the awful pains I get which spread from my knees up through my groin into my back. There is a lesion in one of the kidneys, but he feels the kidney doctor is tending to that part of my body what with the procrit shots and iron infusions. The last kidney test showed a drop in my hemoglobin and that might be from the cancer affecting the bones. It also explains why I'm so tired all the time.

Good news....the ct scans show NO OTHER ORGANS are involved.

That was my desire and it came to pass.

Dr. Nabong changed my meds and we'll check back in two months. (It takes that long for the meds to work.) If we have to, there's a shot I can take too, but right now we're using the pill.

He also increased my pain meds. I'm in a delusional state....when the pain seems to go away, I cut back on the meds. Then I wonder why I get more pain! My new motto? "Give me da drugs!"

I'm writing this on my laptop (which is difficult to type on) because my desktop crashed. I hope that all you who are on my mailing list on the desktop are here tooo!

Now we wait again. Having cancer is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. How do you manage to get through? I'm thinking that living only in the moment is the ONLY way to do it.

Thanks and blessings to all of you who continue to keep us in your prayers. I KNOW this is one of the reasons I'm still here!

Keep the prayers flowing! Unless something major happens, I keep my lips closed!:)

Medical Update August 29, 2006

2006-08-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's Not Over Til It' Over....Saw the Oncologist this morning. The CA 15 number has gone up again, to 216 (up from 127).

With that higher number, we're now going to the lab....full body scan and cat scan (without contrast because of kidney failure). This will tell him if the cancer is in any of the major organs. The original testing last summer showed only the bones were affected.

This will all be done within the next two week, and then we'll know the next chapter!

Stay tuned!

Life Changes...To Be or Not To Be

2006-08-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently gone through several changes. Most of my daily life is still in the same routine, but the changes I refer to are from within. Increasing age, the return of an illness I thought had left my body almost fourteen years ago, pains in parts of my body that are newly experienced, a lack of understanding of what I’m supposed to do with the time I have remaining. All of these have led me to a mini-depression.

I know, people with any iota of spirituality would say, “You DO have a purpose for this lifetime. Look at all the people you have affected in a positive way over the years.” Yet, my daily routine leaves me wondering. I don’t have a “job” to go to where I might earn a paycheck, which would indicate I do have some kind of value or skill. At one point I attempted to create a “spiritual business” which would include writing, art, spiritual counseling and products I thought might be of interest to people of the same mind as mine. Yet that too has floundered, mostly because I have lost the desire to “market” the way I used to when I first started. The desire to “sell” spirituality no longer feels right within my heart.

From what I gather, being in physical pain for a long period of time can affect your outlook, your faith and your desire to “be” and “do.” I look around and see so many others in more physically deteriorated states of being who are full of grace and dignity; who go through this life appearing to overcome their lack and live life to the fullest.

Kyle Maynard is such a young man. He was born with no arms or legs. His parents decided to treat him as “normal” and at age 18 he lives a life that any young man would be proud of. His book, “No More Excuses,” says it all.

When I see a person like Kyle, I wonder what I have to complain about. I may have pain in my lower back which seems to cripple me every morning when I wake up, but within a few minutes I do manage to walk from room to room on two feet. I can ask if it’s not a “right” for each of us to have bad days, complain about something we have no power to change, but then I can hear a little voice saying, “Get over yourself! Don’t become a victim of your own negative thoughts!”

I believed from the bottom of my heart that God’s voice (and a dear angel) was giving me direction. We invested a lot of money and time because we felt that this was God’s desire for me. Maybe my own dreams of grandeur were not what God wanted for me. I still don’t know. Each time something didn’t work out the way I thought it should, I’d ask for a clearer picture of what the lesson was. I believed anything I did in “God’s Name” and with sincerity and deference would always work out according to God’s Plan. The only problem seemed to be was that I didn’t have a copy of the plan so I did things blindly…or you may say with faith.

So here I sit each day, filling my hours with reading; writing; playing word games; computer games; crossword puzzles, sometimes meditating. Maybe I’m just bored, yet every activity I participate in each day is something I do enjoy. Except for blood tests, doctor’s appointments and Procrit shots/iron infusions, my time is my own to do with as I will.

Many people have written me very loving letters of support and thanks. Some tell me how I’ve helped them. I read these letters, knowing they are written from deep within a heart that is dear, yet I wonder if they’re really talking about me! I almost feel as if I present a different person to the world and then I try to figure out who I am to myself.

The difficult world situations, from terrorism, to global warming, to child abuse, to political childishness, and whatever else is created by people with evil in their hearts which is then sent out to the rest of the world, upsets me. I can barely listen to the news and not wonder what this is all about.

I know if God were a human, he’d be in the bathroom tossing his cookies because he would be so sick of the ways in which people can torture their fellow men/women/children as well as animals and our sacred earth.

When I add the world’s troubles to my own personal woes, it’s no wonder I feel somewhat disjointed. It’s no wonder I feel that if tomorrow the sun does rise, it should be considered a miracle and blessing.

Pain, Pain Go Away

2006-08-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

Having pain gives me two options...talk about it or keep my mouth shut. I know most people don't want to hear about someone's pain, basically because they don't know how to make it go away. As soon as I say, "I have terrible pain in my legs," I receive a response of guilt. It's as if the other person feels it's her or his responsibility to help me out of it.

I have two choices. I can complain and deal with the responses I receive by saying, "Don't say you're sorry. It's not your fault I'm in the pain I'm in." Then I'd have to change the subject, yet the energy of the pain still evolves around us.

The second choice is to say nothing and keep a stoic smile on my face. The other person will have no idea I AM in pain, and they then assume I can do anything I could do before I was diagnosed. There's no way I can walk as quickly or move as easily as I did before cancer. My body is slowly downsizing itself, with organs and body parts suddenly retiring from activity.

When I hear someone say, "She never complained all the time she was sick," I have to wonder. Everyone is a physical being, with physical reactions to physical pain. How can those people not complain? Maybe they close themselves in their room and scream into pillows and then come out smiling. I don't know. I do know that being human for me means I need to express my pain, but I don't want to be perceived as a martyr. I don't want to take "pride" in being able to handle all this pain, which I know in time will increase. I just want the damn pain to leave my building (body).

I want to be able to not fear leaving the area for several days to visit family because I won't know how much pain I'll have in the morning. I have a need to stay put, to be close to my doctors just in case something comes up that hasn't before and I have no clue as to what to do about it.

My mother's 87 and is in fairly good health. She's slowing down a lot and talks about "leaving" when God is ready for her. I'm 59 and we're both talking about our bodies. She tells me I have every right to complain, that at 87, she has really nothing to complain about. She's prepared for the last ride. That last ride is sounding better to me every day. I'll get to leave this body behind and finally feel at peace.

Now that I've vented, and I've been typing this in pain, it tells me I can do two things at once. Think and be in pain and still share my thoughts.

Maybe the pain will draw out of me creativity I never knew I had! Now that's a good thought

Medical Update

2006-08-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

The cancer test I had last month indicated an increase of 55 points, which is a no-no in containing the growth of the cancer.

The doctor will take another blood test on August 21st and we'll see him on August 29th for the outcome.

I learned that Arimidex can cause all kinds of side effects, such as being tired, muscle soreness, etc. Maybe all my pain is coming from that, but we'll have to wait and see.

Each day is a blessing, yet each day I'm never aware of where the pain will be. I think Pain says to itself, "Where should we visit today? How much discomfort should she have today? Let's go and do it!!"

Well, Ms. Pain, those pill they've given me to delay your actions has helped....may they have side effects too, but at least I can take part in the world play for the day!!!

Life After Death After Life

2006-08-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

Life After Death After Life
She sat in the Café at the bookstore, watching the movements of those people she didn’t know.

She asked herself questions about each one. The man with the laptop? What was he typing? Was it a resume, a letter to a loved one, a search request?

The two women talking softly as they sipped their mochas. Words flowed between them, a stream that would fill each soul.

The young mother with the young child in her stroller. As the baby slept, the mother looked as if her lids would drop at any moment and she too would be soundly sleeping as did her child.

She sat in pain as she observed. The cancer was slowly working its way through her bones, leaving pockets of slow agonizing pain in her groin, her back, her knees. She would come to the Café to try and forget this pain, forget her body was slowly betraying her. In time she knew her spirit would leave her ravaged body, yet she was not ready to surrender her soul to that final journey. Not now, not yet.

She has faced death once before, when she was first diagnosed over ten years ago. It was different this time. Now there was actual pain attached, more times when she could not find peace.

The first time breasts were removed, she healed and after a few years, she almost forgot she had ever had cancer. When the pain came this time, it coursed through her back, so hard, so deep, she cried out in agony. She didn’t even realize cancer had returned. After months of testing and seeing different doctors, the conclusion was clear….cancer was once again present. Her entire body lit up like the Vegas strip when she took the PET scan.

Now it was a year a year later and new drugs available had given her some hope. For several months her cancer tests came back lower and lower. A miracle, a primal force that allowed her to live.

Then, one month, the numbers once again began to rise. Each day become a miracle just because she would wake up and be able to breathe.
She didn’t know how much time she had, but she was determined to live her life in the same many she had up till now. She enjoyed reading, so the bookstore brought her comfort. She enjoyed movies, so she would buy a box of popcorn and escape into another world for a couple of hours. She enjoyed her home, so she wandered away seldom and not too far.

Her view of everything changed. Things that had been so important before meant so little to her now. After all, in the end, how important are those things you can’t take with you? Things you no longer have to deal with?

She sometimes wanted to talk about the process of dying but found not many shared this interest. It was as if they said, “if we don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist and you’ll live forever.” She knew better than that. The belief she had held so close to her heart for so many years, that life does continue after death, was now questioned. There was no proof. Not one soul had returned and said, “I’ve been dead for two years and this is what it was like.”

She believed there was a world consciousness which held this belief, so it was the belief she had adopted and with which she was most comfortable.

Now, though, because she was facing the ultimate death journey, the questions floated through her mind every day. Would she be born again? Would she have to experience more lessons she didn’t learn this time? Or would death be just a black void in which there was no consciousness, no feeling, no breathe?

The more she gave it thought, the more she realized it didn’t matter. Time would take her where she she needed to be and her death journey would be experienced by her and her alone. As her fingerprints were hers and hers alone, her death would be experienced alone. She held the truth, “we are born alone and we die alone,” close to her heart.

She came to a peaceful place with that understanding and began to enjoy the blessings of each day. A child’s wisdom brought her a smile just as the slight breeze blowing through the trees.

While she was sill alive, she would live. When she died, she would then know the rest of the story.

If It's Tuesday, It Must Be Another Blood Test

2006-08-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, no more complaining about the world situation. I've decided to focus on my own health situation, which is a doozy.

I had a double mastectomy (1992), with a recurrence in my bones in July, 2005; a hysterectomy in 1982; a triple bypass in 1996, with a further collapse of one of the arteries 6 months later; am an insulin dependent type 2 diabetic and am living with kidney failure, which means I get a shot of Procrit and an iron infusion each month.

My life revolves around doctor appointments, lab tests, lab results, x-rays and any other technology which is supposed to keep me alive. I have a pharmacy that would make Walgreens proud! Every Wendesday it's Pill Day as I sit in front of bottles of pills and supplements and place them in two dispenser boxes (one for am and one for pm) I'm covered from heart to kidneys to cancer and diabetes. Now that I'm 59, how much more time do I have remaining? I have no clue.

When I was diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer last summer, my entire body lit up like the Vegas strip when I took the PET scan. Apparently the bones are the place cancer goes after the breast are long gone. A lot has changed since my first treatments in 1992. Now there are several drugs which can be taken to help contain, not cure, the traveling cancer. My drug of choice has been Arimidex.

I was placed in hospice care for several months. I'd recommend this service to everyone and anyone who will be in that position. The gentle nature and caring of the nurses and staff is beyond reproach. They provided me with the best pain medication which made my life liveable once again.

My numbers last July started at 460 (anything under 60 is considered normal). Like a miracle, each month the numbers went down: 215; 98; then 72. It was a beautiful to finally feel better (the pain in my back had been very difficult), knowing the cancer was under control. Yet, all things do not stay the same...the last test was 127. Of course I thought my end time was closer than ever before. My oncologist said we need to give it a couple more months before we take additional tests and possibly change the medication. I'm willing to wait, as long as there are pain medications to keep me going.

It's interesting what having cancer does to your mind...I don't mean physically, I mean mentally and emotionally. OK, I need to accept the fact that I am in a terminal situation (as each of us is), yet the doctor only said that my time might be anywhere from 2 years to 5 years, depending on how my body reacts to the drugs. Since I refuse to take standard chemotherapy again (once was more than enough); and because I have a kidney situation to deal with, there are only a few drugs I can take before there's nothing left to do.

So, I spend a lot of time thinking about death. No one wants to talk about it...it's a downer. I don't know about anyone else, but I really wonder what happens after the spirit/soul leaves the body. My belief has always been that there IS another side, a side we don't experience until we leave earth. Yet, is that true or is it something I have come to adopt as my belief because there's a world-class consciousness which says the same thing? More on this thought in another blog yet to be written.

I think about all the bills I'll leave behind...and then I think, "Wow, I won't have to worry about the mortgage any longer!" Now that's a good reason to leave, when you add on top of that all the bills we have accumulated over the years of life on earth. That burden will be lifted...my spirit will soar freely and without any weight of worry attached.

I will miss my husband, my grandchildren, my family and friends desperately. I told my husband I need to give him a word that he can use if he decides to go to a psychic to try and reach me. That would be a way for him to know that they are really connecting to my spirit. He doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm not that morbid, I live my life daily in the best spirit I can maintain, enjoying all the beauty of nature and the blessings with which I have been given. I recognize God in all things that are pure and loving, from the words spoken by a precocious 3-year old to the little puppies sitting in a cage waiting to be adopted by humans who will care with great big hearts for them.

I have written several blogs about my frustration with the people of the world who choose killing, terrorism, power, hate to rule the world. I know my feelings are deep, but I'm also come to realize that this emotion is NOT good for my cancer...it helps it to reach its goal of destroying me. I can't change the world, so I might as well spend my time reading a peaceful book of inspiration, watching a funny movie, or meditating. That is my world....whoever is in charge of the rest of the world will do what they will with or without my say.

Maybe the next time I write I will know more about my life and where it's going, what I'll be doing for the remainder.

Every day I wake up and wonder if it will be a day of pain or a day where I can enjoy life more easily...even if it's only reading a book; preparing a meal; writing in this blog or working on my newsletter. On days pain is little, like a 1 out of 10, my life is "normal". On days the pain is a 10 and tears are flowing because of it, I'm spend my time attempting to find a comfortable position in which I can sit, lie or stand. Sometimes there's no figuring out exactly how to do it, and it seems like I'm wasting a lot of good Earth time seeking something that apparently is not mine to have.

Life with cancer....there's a lot to be said about it, there's a lot to think about when you have been diagnosed with it. I recognize that I DO NOT HAVE control over this part of my existence...only God does. When She's ready, I'll be ready!